Last month I turned 28. I was so excited because not only was it my birthday, but I was headed out of the town to visit my best friend and celebrate her accomplishments. The day of my actual birthday, my best friend had no prior obligations, but my special day was filled with nothing eventful or festive. There were no planned activities, no birthday song, no cake, no card… or even an acknowledgment (for the first few hours of the day) that this was the day that I was born. I reminded them that at 12:10 am that it was officially my birthday; they told me is that it was East Coast time and it wasn’t in fact my birthday yet (since I was born in Cali). By 3 am (that’s 12 am Cali time) they were sleep, so I guess that time zone philosophy didn’t really matter. The day went on with us going to a cheap clothing store, a not so exciting restaurant, and making a few other errands.
By that evening, I felt very alone (even though there were people who “love me” around), uncared for, and with tears in my eyes (thugs cry), I had the thoughts that visit me often- “what’s wrong with me… why am I always crying, why am I always feeling this internal pain that starts in my chest, flutters thru and overheats my entire body? This feeling that can only be described as loneliness met with a constant feeling of being misunderstood?”.
I chalked it up to being menstrual and hella emotional; after all, my best friend is really great y’all. Still, those feelings have been reoccurring and it prompted me into further self reflection.
So, I’ve spent these past few weeks reflecting on me, what I want, what I need, and what I deserve. I think the answer to so many of those questions lies not (so much) in what my best friend did wrong, but the answer is under mounds of hurt and emotional trauma inflicted over 28 years without truly being visited and healed.
How can I get to self-actualization with all this baggage?
So, I thought this something important to document as this blog is sharing my unbought and unbossed journey. We will process more of this, but for now here is my declaration:
What I want is to not feel alone in this fucking succubus ass world.
What I need is care and affection and validation (or maybe these two are backwards).
What I deserve is simple- IT ALL. I deserve care, affection, validation and companionship, specifically from people I have intimate relationships with, and they should not have to be limited to romantic relationships (or why the hell do I need people other than a romantic partner, I. E. friends?).
My decision-I will hold others who want to be in my life and hold intimate space accountable to this expectation of how I receive love and care (I know I gotta communicate tho). I also want those who I hold intimate space in their lives to communicate what they want and need from me, and hold me accountable to it. If we can not commit to caring the way the other needs, than that too should has to be discussed.
Shame on me for not evaluating and communicating my needs sooner. Shame on this society for not teaching, or maybe stealing my ability (or belief that I was deserving), to truly receive and return and love.
I guess this post is an acknowledgment (and validation) to my damn self. I am in no way perfect and I drop the ball on this relationship thing everyday. But I AM WORTHY and I do DESERVE the to be prioritized, celebrated on the day I was born, celebrated when I achieve and accomplish things, listened to when I’m sad, validated in my feelings (as long as I am acting within the agreed upon terms outlined by my therapist), and receive kindness, patience, empathy and care consistently.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Maybe my expectations and the title of “friendship” are skewed.
As I journey towards self actualization, I believe its time for me to reevaluate my relationships, expectations, and my own definition of love (how I am give and receive it).
*Side Note- my best friend was 9 months pregnant and very uncomfortable. I still feel like she could have sang a damn song, sent her man to the store for cake and a balloon, or maybe even planned that shit a few weeks in advance with a few other people in attendance so my birthday didn’t feel like an overwhelming burden. I’ve never been pregnant before, so maybe there is a major grey area here. Maybe it was unfair for me to have the expectation that the day I was brought into this world would not be celebrated because the life forming inside of her was so taxing, physically and emotionally. I won’t know until it’s my time to
suffer be with child. But I welcome your feedback in the comment section below.
My opinion: I believe it’s possible to feel both valid and empathetic with other’s circumstance.
Also, it was my birthday and I could cry if I wanted to…